November 24, 2014 § Leave a comment
This time two years ago, I got my first tattoo. People asked where it was located. Why I had it written there in the part which was believed by some to be on my inner thighs with this zoomed in photo.
A few asked if it was because of a man. Later on, strangers, acquaintances and friends have asked to see it closely. And when they see the phrase carefully written on my skin, they don’t ask what it means. A French guy I met in Bali even said there’s a similar saying in their language. I wish I had remembered the words exactly.
Just to make things clear, no, I did not get inked because of a man from my recent past. Coincidentally around that period, I learned that my happiness did not depend on being in a relationship. I decided to break my own heart by letting go and letting be. I learned the hard way about what I thought I wanted in a significant other but greater things mattered.
I realize now that Octobers and Novembers of my adult years have become significant months of my life. I don’t know if it has something to do with my birthday and life testing how mature I am. The words of my 24-year old self still reminds me years later that I should never give up on great love but never will I settle for less. I still am and will forever be a hopeless romantic. But I am never without hope.
So maybe I’ll finally get another piece this year. We’ll see.
August 22, 2011 § 2 Comments
There’s a hopeless romantic in everyone of us, I suppose.
There’s this longing to be desired, to be loved, to be wanted. We search for happiness and wish to find that someone who will send us beaming from the inside, the one with whom we will share all our dreams and burdens, the one with whom you don’t have to pretend to be anybody greater, the one you’ll be entirely comfortable with.
Some of us may have felt that great love once but eventually lost it. Some may still be on the lookout for that first encounter.
Though I have been in love at least twice and got myself broken into pieces, I am not losing hope. Though the pain was real and the agony seemed to be unending, I am not losing hope. Though my heart has been bruised and eventually mended, the pain has subsided and the sad memories faded, it remembers what got it beating and it is not losing hope.
For years that have come and gone, the good things of the past always help us look forward to better futures.
The desire. Remember the fire in the kisses. Remember the stares that got me melting. Remember the lips that pressed on the eyelids. Remember the hands that caressed my face and brushed my hair to sleep.
The sweet nothings. Remember the going-out-of-his-way-and-travelling-two-hours-to-see-me-for-ten-minutes. Remember the calls he made just to hear my voice for at least 30 seconds. Remember holding hands as he walked me to my place. Remember the trinkets he offered every meeting. Remember how he knew I was not in good shape even without saying.
The romance. Remember the dancing with no music. Remember the embrace that kept me warm through a cold night. Remember making faces in pictures together. Remember the sweet smiles he threw and the hellos he kept on saying even if I’ve been in front of him for hours already.
My heart is appealing:
So this I say to myself with conviction. Stop stalling. Stop wallowing. Stop compromising. Stop settling. No more part-time lovers. No more intimacy without commitment. No more shutting out. No more pretentions. No more maltreatment. No more disrespect. No more make-shift relationships.
But I will not settle. Nothing less of what I deserve. Nothing less of the love I was shown. Nothing less of the happiness that made me glow. Nothing less of what I have on my own.
I am a hopeless romantic. But I will never be hopeless.
[Originally written June 16, 2008.]