February 4, 2013 § Leave a comment
If you get bruised, don’t pick at the wound because it just might get worse. If it still hurts, then it’s not yet healed so give it time.
For the past few months, I’ve been riding on a roller coaster of emotions — that of pain, love, longing, hurt, happiness, envy, and satisfaction, to name a few. Most people on the social media sites just know how I’ve been going to lots of places almost every weekend, posting all those photos and videos that I enjoy working on. Then they’d read some positive self-convincing posts in the middle of the stream, which I really don’t mind. I am, in essence, trying to convince myself that things will be a lot better, that there’s so much more in store for me beyond this broken heart, and that I believe the best of my love story has yet to be told.
A good number of people know how random the personal messages I send them can get. Sometimes I’m well distracted that I forget about what I’m going through. Most times, it just hits me. I get a good idle moment on a bus, while trekking, during my sunset run, in a line at the canteen, and I think — whether or not I have done everything that I can to make it work, if I have given enough of myself, if I have been patient and kind, if I did anything to cause hurt to others, if I deserve this kind of pain. In those idle moments, I start writing text on my phone and later decide whether to hit send or not.
Eventually, I resolve that I feel what I feel because that’s how my heart is wired to react. If I don’t feel loved, then there’s definitely something wrong. If the happiness is gone, whatever I do will not suffice to keep the relationship alive. If I feel that I need to say something, I will so I cannot regret not having done so. But I can only do so much, I said. So this thing is no longer in my hands and maybe I will be content with whatever God has planned for me in the future.
Maybe we could just be friends. I have come to accept that we weren’t meant to be together but just maybe, we could still share anything under our umbrella of interests. And that may be just fine. I can handle that. That will be enough, I thought. So there was that acceptance part which is the end-all of this loss. I think I skipped some parts in those five stages of grief. I just kept on going and going about my daily life, wanting more out of everything I’ve been fond of doing, doing what I do best. And when I finally came to that point of acceptance, I realized, “Hey. That’s a good thing. I can do this. Maybe friendship will be enough.”
So I was done with it. Eased my way into re-establishing a friendship. But then some pain resurfaced and I couldn’t handle it. I then reconsidered, maybe it’s not yet time. If pain still persists, then I am essentially not yet fully healed. All my friends have said I should give it time to heal. It won’t happen immediately but it will happen. It dawned upon me that heartbreaks are like wounds. We were always advised by our elders how to take care of our wounds. If you get bruised, don’t pick at the wound because it just might get worse. If it still hurts, then it’s not yet healed so give it time. In reality, we have been learning our lessons on overcoming heartbreaks back when we were kids. It’s really very simple and very cliche. At the end of the day, time heals all wounds.
Right now, I am a bomb full of emotions and I’m letting myself explode. My readers may not understand why I am doing this — exposing myself raw and open. I haven’t written such entries in a long time but I remember how writing reminds me of what I believe in. Even after several years, I look back and recall that that Ayla was real and hasn’t changed much. She’s still a believer, still trusting that this will pass. Later on, there will be no pain, no hurt, no resentment. All that I need is time.